I don’t really have anything to say, I just felt like typing. I’m listening to French streaming news radio. I can’t understand it yet, but I enjoy listening to it.

Life is an odd thing. I’m very dissatisfied with it, but for no particular reason.

Science appealed to me from the beginning, because I was full of questions, and it had the answers. But I think I’ve tried to live my life by the scientific method, wanting to try things out in controlled situations to determine the best options. That doesn’t work. Life is not a controlled situation, and the conditions can never be repeated. I’m tortured by past decisions. Especially things I had no control over. My parents moved to California six years ago, and I with them. I was 16, starting my Junior year in high school. I had lived my whole life near Kansas City. I’ve never really liked people much, so making friends was not a strong point. That didn’t matter much. I’ve always done without many friends. The school was awful, and I was settling from the move during the time that you’re supposed to be checking out colleges. But I didn’t have to, I knew where I was going to apply. Until my mom, who always enthusiastically supports my plans until I show any signs of executing them, told me that there was no way they could afford the schools I wanted to go to and I shouldn’t bother applying to them. So I didn’t. The school was completely below my level. I lost interest. I barely graduated on home study. I started working for Rootsweb. I didn’t try to find another job out of state because I wanted to stay within a few hours of my parents. They acted like they needed me. Rootsweb was bought, and I was sold down the river. I decided not to move back to Kansas and get a job there because they offered to buy a house in Fresno and let us rent it while we went to school. They were going to sell their house and live down here. So they pushed me to alter my life for them again. Then they moved back to Kansas.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive them for the betrayal I feel. I just always wonder what my life would be like if we hadn’t moved. If I had gone off to a real college. If I had taken a job before I was laid off. If I had taken a job after I was laid off. I feel like they threw me into a tornado that ripped my life apart, blew my dreams to pieces then dropped me in this awful place and left. I don’t care what they want anymore. I don’t want to be near them. They aren’t pushing me around anymore.