President Bush kicked off his President-4-Life campaign today in Fresno, CA, in which Bush will attempt to ban voting for President in the United States. Sources say Fresno was chosen as the starting point, because studies have shown such a movement is more likely to take hold in areas with low levels of literacy. Justin Case, pediatrician and author of the children’s book 101 Things to Stick in Electrical Sockets, is heading up the campaign. “This campaign is the logical response to the election fiasco [in 2000],” said Case. “The easiest way to prevent something like that from happening again is to stop holding elections.”

Bush’s supporters gathered this morning at a rally in someone’s backyard. The owner of the backyard was heard to say, “I don’t care who is President for life, if these people don’t get off my lawn I’m turning on the sprinklers.”

A young man in the crowd stopped waving a sign that read, “Bush is okay by me,” to say “Well golly, I think the constitution is swell, but all the democrats want to do is protect the public. When I’m the CEO of a multinational corporation, who is going to look out for me? Bush will, that’s who.”

When asked why he wanted to be President-4-Life, Bush responded, “Because Presidenting is the rootinest tootinest thing I’ve done yet! My daddy says I should stay here forever and ever.” While many of his supporters agree with his succinct summation, there is still opposition to overcome.

“This makes me wish I was a republican, just so I could defect,” said democratic senator Willy Leek in a recent press conference. “This campaign exploits the very nature of the constitution. I’m all for freedom of speech, but using a number in place of a word? That’s just wrong!” The number four could not be reached for comment.

Sell-U-Qwik, the advertising firm that designed the campaign’s name and slogan, “Voting causes cancer,” responded to Leek’s attack by saying, “Hey, numbers are kewl. We wanted something more Gen-Xey, like ‘Pr3s1D3||7-4-lIfE,’ but he just didn’t get it.”

The President will be in Fresno all week, capping off his stay with a speech in the parking lot of 7/11, “because they have good Icees.”