Are you burdened with the tiresome job of parenting? Do you want kids, but wish you didn’t have to raise them? Parents today can’t be bothered with paying attention to their kids during the times a TV isn’t handy — dinner, outside, in the car, etc. Well now you don’t have to. With my new Silence of the Kids system, there will always be a TV handy! You’ll never have to listen to their whining little voices again! Just strap on the face mask, and they’ll be entertained wtih cartoons 24 hours a day! If they do start acting up, the mask will give them a small electric shock. Now you can just leave them at home and go get drunk at your society parties! But wait, there’s more! Act now and you’ll recieve wallet-sized pictures of perfect children absolutely free! Now you can show off to your friends what great children you have, even if you don’t have any! Brought to you by ChemTerra.