Recently uncovered photographs from the European Space Administration’s imaging satellite, programmed to decide it’s own missions, have stirred up controversy. When asked to explain the scientific value of overhead photographs of nude beaches, Vladimir Laysky, director of the ESA, turned red and stammered, “This satellite was developed by a team of dedicated scientists working night and day. I’m sure they know what they’re doing.”

Unsatisfied with the director’s answer, this journalist will stay abreast of this issue. No matter how many hundreds of satellite images I have to pore through, no matter how long I have to go undercover on nude beaches, I vow to get to the bottom of this and lay the truth bare for all to see!

(read the real, far more boring article here)