I don’t want to save up to 80% on printer cartridges. I don’t need help to be debt free by 2003. I don’t have military benefits waiting. Oprah has not found my lost inheritance. I don’t want free gas coupons. I don’t dream of being thinner or enlarging my penis without surgery. I don’t need millions of verified email addresses. I don’t care what you and your nineteen year-old roommates do in front of your webcam. I don’t want top secret stock advice, money making tricks, or porn site passwords. I wouldn’t use one thousand free hours. I don’t need to know what my personal psychic thinks. I have an unsecured VISA, and I don’t want the prestige of gold, the power of platinum, or the strength of titanium. It’s not everywhere I want to be. I’ve traced my family tree. I don’t need a better mortgage.

I have no more use for email.