Archive for May, 2001:

Bruce Campbell’s Book

Bruce Campbell wrote a book! How cool is that?

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First Drafts

Note to self: Stop posting first drafts that seemed funny at the time.

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President Kicks Off New Campaign

President Bush kicked off his President-4-Life campaign today in Fresno, CA, in which Bush will attempt to ban voting for President in the United States. Sources say Fresno was chosen as the starting point, because studies have shown such a movement is more likely to take hold in areas with low levels of literacy. Justin Case, pediatrician and author of the children’s book 101 Things to Stick in Electrical Sockets, is heading up the campaign. “This campaign is the logical response to the election fiasco [in 2000],” said Case. “The easiest way to prevent something like that from happening again is to stop holding elections.”

Bush’s supporters gathered this morning at a rally in someone’s backyard. The owner of the backyard was heard to say, “I don’t care who is President for life, if these people don’t get off my lawn I’m turning on the sprinklers.”

A young man in the crowd stopped waving a sign that read, “Bush is okay by me,” to say “Well golly, I think the constitution is swell, but all the democrats want to do is protect the public. When I’m the CEO of a multinational corporation, who is going to look out for me? Bush will, that’s who.”

When asked why he wanted to be President-4-Life, Bush responded, “Because Presidenting is the rootinest tootinest thing I’ve done yet! My daddy says I should stay here forever and ever.” While many of his supporters agree with his succinct summation, there is still opposition to overcome.

“This makes me wish I was a republican, just so I could defect,” said democratic senator Willy Leek in a recent press conference. “This campaign exploits the very nature of the constitution. I’m all for freedom of speech, but using a number in place of a word? That’s just wrong!” The number four could not be reached for comment.

Sell-U-Qwik, the advertising firm that designed the campaign’s name and slogan, “Voting causes cancer,” responded to Leek’s attack by saying, “Hey, numbers are kewl. We wanted something more Gen-Xey, like ‘Pr3s1D3||7-4-lIfE,’ but he just didn’t get it.”

The President will be in Fresno all week, capping off his stay with a speech in the parking lot of 7/11, “because they have good Icees.”

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Well put me in a box and call me tofu

My wonderful wife went to the store yesterday and got a bunch of cool stuff so I could make salads for lunch, instead of going to fast food places every day. So I made a nice salad today before I left for work, put it in a tupperware, then forgot to take it. And I forgot a bottle of water, so I’m drinking soda for the first time in a few days. Damn my idiocy!

Anyway, when I was in McDonald’s I gave some guy $3 so he could eat. It made me so sad to see how happy he was to get a hamburger. I wanted to talk to him, or give him some company or something, but what are you supposed to say to somebody? “So, you’re homeless huh? I bet that sucks.” There was nothing else I could have done for him anyway. I don’t know.

So I’m happy that I have the luxury to worry more about some dick parking his Porsche in my space than when I’m going to eat next.

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I’m an Oreo whore.

I admit it. I’m not ashamed. I just can’t stop eating them once I start. Even before it goes in my mouth, the smell of the frosting fills my nostrils, and I know I’m going to have black teeth.

I think the packaging is conducive to binge eating. They don’t just give you one row, but three. That is three times the Oreo surface area to snack from, and we all know that something dissolves (or is eaten) faster when it has more surface area.

Aside from the surface area shenanigans, the bag is hard to close. You won’t find any Pringles-style lid here, no convenient chipesque sticky strips. No, with Oreos you have to roll the bag closed, but that can’t be done unless all three rows have been sufficiently depleted.

Once the bag is rolled to a point, the cardboard inside will constantly fight to be free. The bag unfurls itself, a flower releasing the sweet perfume of chocolate and frosting. It drags me by the nostrils and thrusts me into it’s cookie-sandwich bosom, where I’m lulled into eating just a few more.

Sometimes I am strong, and I can resist my evil temptress. That is when she tag teams me with milk. Oh, was there ever a better combination than Oreos and milk? Together they are the Sirens, drawing me towards diabetic rocks while I thrash against my restraints. But to be an oarsman, unmoved by the all-encompassing appeal of this chocolatey devil! If only I could keep to my intended mission, ignoring her call that whispers softly in my nose and makes my saliva run.

Damn you Oreos! You are a succubus that must be undone! How can I stand idly by and let another lose his way on the path to healthy snacking? There is only one way to destroy you for good–I must eat you all! I will save the world from your seductive charms! I will not stop until I have eaten every last Oreo! You will be defeated!

And that is why I end up eating too many Oreos at once.

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