Archive for April, 2001:

Inside joke of the day

Dude, you were so right about that gelatinous cube at Dave’s house!

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The Amazing Random!

The phones on the desk next to me have the holes on the mouthpiece in the shape of the Atari logo. But they are made by NEC. Jack confused.

Yesterday my boss showed me a cover that had been ripped off his son’s Spawn #97 and said, “What am I going to do with that boy?” before he threw it away. It was an amazing illustration of a very scantily clad Angel. I guess almost seeing some naughty bits isn’t okay with him. Of course this is the man who told me the effeminate customer support supervisor “talks funny.”

I had a nightmare that people weren’t reading my journal because I had left it the default colors. I’m not changing it, that’ll show my nightmare!

The customer support people get mad at me when I write “LOG OUT” on their screens in big letters, even though it’s my job. I’m so unappreciated . Maybe tonight I’ll write “BITE ME”

I’ll give the NRA as much leeway as they want, as long as I can keep seeing Charleton Heston on the news with a rifle raised high shouting, “From my cold dead hands, you damn dirty apes!”

I was chased down the mountain today by a little old lady. At least I assume it was a little old lady; I only saw knuckles and white curly hair.

I played Frogger on my way home last night. The frog lost. I didn’t expect a little squishy frog to make such a big bump.

When I was eating dinner today, I saw a man with a plate of chow mein. He slowly brought food to his mouth, then wiped his face with his napkin after every bite. This isn’t funny, but you read this far because you thought it would be. I win.

I want to be a doctor specializing in diseases of the rich.

My dad has turned into Lester Burnham. Well, except for the pedophilia thing. And the shower thing, but I’m not sure about that one.

There is nothing in the world greater than true love–except a nice MLT, mutton lettuce and tomato, where the mutton is nice and lean, oh they’re so perky. But that’s not what he said!

Why are assless chaps so funny?

I apologize for not being very funny tonight. I was abducted by aliens and forced to open for Right Said Fred. It was a good crowd, but I only got 10% of the cover. Damn aliens!

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Is education wasted on the masses? I mean in high school as well as college. I think most of the people in both places don’t really care about getting an education, and it detracts from those who do.

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Ode to the Cleaning Lady

O Cleaning Lady, why do you tease me so with your minestrone-cigarette perfume, wafting through the room as you slide your vaccuum under my chair.

Your voice, like a mix of mumble and shout, Strikes deep in my heart!

Cleaning Lady, why do you give me such disdainful looks? Am I only misreading your toothless gaze?

Tell me how to act around you, Cleaning Lady I’m ashamed to ignore you, too embarassed to stare.

I see the knowing looks you exchange with your assistant I imagine the illicit affair you have in the custodial closet.

I sometimes imagine that you are more than a Cleaning Lady That you are really a spy from Verizon Wireless, here to steal our secrets.

O Cleaning Lady, come with me and we will run away together To a land where there is no trash to be emptied, no toilets to be cleaned Only me, and you, my beloved Cleaning Lady.

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I almost ran over an owl the other night. It looked like a paper bag falling to the road, then it cranked it’s head around and looked at me surprised before it flew right over my windshield. I don’t know why I ducked.

A few days ago I overheard a man explain to his son why he shouldn’t play in the street. “Because cars are heavy, they’ll hurt you. And you are light, they won’t even notice when they run over you.”

Sometimes I forget very basic things. Like the fact that the sun move up and down and not side to side. Or sometimes I’ll type a command a hundred times in a row, then completely forget it, and what I’m even doing. I can’t remember how to spell Alzheimers.

There is no “I” in “team,” but there is an “I” in both “community” and “family.”

English is the only language where the first-person pronoun is capitalized, but the second-person is not. Or maybe there are more, I’m no linguist.

I started being a trouble-maker the last two years of high school, because I realized that nobody cared if I succeeded, and detention was the only place I could do what interested me.

I’m such a pervert. Today I actually matriculated right in the middle of the book store. I just do it for the dirty looks.

Yes I know matriculate means to enroll in something, not to study, but it’s funny anyway damnit. Just pretend.

I always check under my car before I get in it. I ignore the fact that bending over leaves the back of my head completely vulnerable.

My mom came back from a month long vacation today. The family is sad to have her back. I feel very evil that we don’t like her.

The general population prefers it’s input in bite-sized nuggets. A sound bite here, a blurb there. Summarize it in two sentences. Edit it down to an hour and a half. The more knowledge is out there, the less we can acquire and retain.

Today I saw a woman walking down the street. This wouldn’t be so interesting if she hadn’t been scratching her crotch the whole time.

Why is the tile on bathroom floors always crooked? When so many people are going to spend so much time staring at something, you’d think they’d get it right.

I never really wanted to write in a Live Journal. I wanted to be a Lumberjack! The oak! The redwood! The scotch pine! Hopping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty Mississippi! And we’d sing, sing, sing!

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